Disappointment = Expectations - Reality
Every time I have a client who is about to start a new job, I always give her the same suggestion: “Take 30 minutes the weekend before you start your new job to write a letter to yourself.”
This activity is exactly what it sounds like--a letter to you-in-the-future. You sit down and write future-you a letter that you’ll open at some point, later. The timing of when you open it doesn’t matter so much--you could read it in a year, or five years, or when you leave this job for the next one. What matters more is that you sit down and capture a bit about who you are right now, what you’re thinking about, what you’re looking forward to about this new opportunity. If you need some inspiration, I have some great prompts to consider right here.
The key here is that you take the time, amid the flurry of finishing your last job and hurrying toward your next one, to pause and reflect on what you’re expecting from this new opportunity. And when I say “reflect,” I mean really getting it out on paper, surfacing the ideas and worries and expectations that may not yet be acknowledged, and take the time to explore them.
There are a lot of reasons why this is a great exercise to do before you start something new:
Disappointment = the gap between expectations and reality
This is the big one. It’s completely normal to worry about whether you’re making the right decision by leaving your job for a new one (although, if you follow the clarify-explore-pursue method for getting clear on what you want, you’ll be a lot more confident that you’re making the best choice for you). The last thing you want is to be disappointed by the new role. All of us have experienced disappointment at how something has turned out. Whether it’s a cake you baked, a relationship, or something in between, disappointment is fundamentally about the gap between your expectations and reality. While we can do everything in our power to optimize reality, I’m here to suggest that the key here is to be clear on your expectations (that holds true for cakes, relationships, and jobs).
We don’t often take the time to get clear on our expectations--what we think something will look like--and even more importantly, how it will make us feel. We make decisions but expect to know if something is “right” by a feeling in our gut. By taking a moment to surface these ideas at the outset, we can avoid a lot of worry about how it will turn out and disappointment over what happens. Clarifying what we’re expecting in the first place means that if something doesn’t quite pan out, we at least have a more objective metric by which to assess the gap (and be able to course correct from there).
Disappointment is a huge bummer, but disappointment about things you didn’t even realize were important to you? That’s a lot worse. Getting clear on your expectations now will help you embrace the imperfections of reality later a whole lot more easily.
Process what you’re leaving behind
We leave jobs for a huge number of reasons. Most of my clients are moving on from positions that are unfulfilling, miserable, or just don’t align with their long-term goals. However excited you may be to get away from whatever you’re leaving, it’s so, so crucial to take some time to process your feelings about that role so that you can move on without it hanging over your head. This is especially important if you were deeply unhappy in your old role, had a horrible boss, or you had a similarly traumatic experience.
Take some time while writing your letter to reflect on the chapter you’re finishing. You may want to think about your accomplishments--what contributions are you proudest of making? How are you different now than when you started there?
I find it helpful to use a format of “Stop, Start, Continue”--that is, to write about what you’re excited you will be able to stop doing from your old job, what you’re excited about starting in your new role, and what elements you’re looking forward to continuing from your previous position. It is especially powerful to write this from a place of gratitude. Try beginning with “I’m grateful I…” and going from there. And yes, “I’m grateful to be leaving my crazy boss” is a totally valid response.
Get clear on what you want from this position
Yes--you probably answered this question a million times during your interview process, however, now’s the time to take advantage of the cone of silence between you and your paper and write out things you might not have been able to share during the interview. Think hard about what you’re really looking for from this role. What skills do you want to develop? What are you looking forward to? What needs to happen for you to look back on this job and consider it a success? This is another way to get at the disappointment issue--what needs to happen for you to not be disappointed? (Sometimes it’s easier to think of this the other way instead--what would be disappointing about this job? This could be implicit or explicit. For example--responsibility for a certain project being removed from your portfolio, or finding out that the company culture is rooted in micro-managing).
Don’t forget to consider your non-work life too. What are your expectations about how this job will affect everything else you have going on in your life? Will it allow you to take that vacation you’ve always wanted? Spend more time with your family? Work fewer weekends? Feel more secure about retirement? Our lives are about so much more than what we do at work, but our work life can have a disproportionate impact on everything else. How are you expecting the other dimensions of your life to shift as you take on this role?
Taking the time to write a letter yourself can have dramatic, positive effects. You’ll sort out your thoughts, get excited and quell your first-day nerves.
This doesn’t have to be an elaborate production. Here’s what to do:
Download my free guide (hit the button below) with more than 20 prompts to help get those juices flowing
Grab some paper, an envelope, your favorite pen and perhaps a glass of wine
Set a timer for 30 minutes, and free write. Once the timer goes off, you’re done (although you’re welcome to keep going!).
Put the letter in an envelope with your name and the date when you’ll open it, and seal it.
Put the letter in a safe place and put a reminder in your calendar to read it later.
Congratulate yourself for being so proactive and forward thinking!
Another piece of advice I always give my clients before they start a new job? Take a vacation.
No matter how short, take some time to get away from your hometown before Day 1 of the new gig. This not only gives you something to distract you from the sadness or worry you might be feeling on your last day at your old job, but also, that mental break is crucial for showing up fresh for your first day.
Bonus: I can tell you from personal experience that Letter-to-Self writing is even more powerful from the beach.
Tried this? Tell me how it worked for you!
PS--This is also a great activity to do before a big trip or a major life event (i.e. getting married, having a baby, a milestone birthday, etc.)